As you may have noticed, I haven’t been posting as often or putting up pictures. The truth is…I haven’t even taken pictures in a long time.
Katy and I are having a very hard time with breastfeeding. This is a COMPLETE shock to me since it was SOOOO easy and WONDERFUL with Cole and Natalie. I.LOVE.BREASTFEEDING! I DO NOT love this feeding fiasco that Katy and I are doing right now. I never understood why women would want to stop or say “My baby isn’t getting enough milk”. I mean…women are MADE to breast feed!
To be honest, I always thought moms who stopped breastfeeding were selfish. (I’m sorry…yes…I was a breast nazi) I never had sore nipples, or cracked ones, or bleeding ones. It NEVER hurt to breastfeed and my kids gained TONS of weight and were always so happy! Both slept through the night by 8 weeks too. We were just happy breastfeeding momma & kid :) Little did I know that it CAN be hard…your baby doesn’t ALWAYS get what they need from you, no matter HOW HARD you try and are determined.!
Katy started off great….latching on every hour or two and sucking HARD. Somehow she lost that ability to suck hard. It could have been the Pacifier given to her by a nurse at the hospital, but most likely it was when she became so sleepy from the Jaundice she got. Around day 5, I noticed her latch changing and she fell asleep a lot at the breast. I had to WORK to wake her up. In hindsight…I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually got down to around 7 lbs. She started gaining and has done decent, but I’ve noticed her latch continues to get worse. It’s like she doesn’t have the ability to suck hard enough to draw all the milk out of my breasts. I would never feel empty.
I talked to a lactation consultant yestserday and she was a great help. I’ve been pumping after every feeding to up my supply…I will also take the herb “Fenugreek” to help with supply…and I’m adding a nipple shield. I think she may have a very high pallet. I have one and now we think this is why my mom was only able to breastfeed me for a few months too.
Now I can completely empathize with women who “can’t” breastfeed. It is VERY depressing. I cry at least part of the day and sometimes all day. I go from feeling like everything's going to be ok to thinking I’m the most horrible mother in the world. I think of how easy life would be if I just gave her formula…I could run, sleep at night, not be tied to her all day; to thinking about how I’m missing out on the most beautiful bond a mommy and her baby can have. (I’m tearing up right now). Unless you have breastfed a baby and loved it, you have no clue how hard this is. I feel like a bad mom for not being able to give her what she needs to grow and be happy….and I feel like a bad mom for not giving in and giving her formula. I also feel like a bad mom to my other kids who are not getting near the attention they deserve.
My new goal was to reach 8 weeks breastfeeding. I just don’t know if I can do it though. I’m miserable…stuck in the house all day (because the way she breastfeeds requires me constantly moving her and detaching her and reattaching her to me)…and I’m getting fat. I lost 20 lbs…still needed to lose 10 lbs. Now I’m up about 2 lbs.
I don’t know how to be a mom who doesn’t breastfeed! It seems like it might be easier and harder. Easier because its not ONLY me who provides the goods. Harder because its not as convenient. “Oh, you’re hungry? Here” It’s always there and the right temperature and yummy. We call them “yummy yummies”. (here I go crying again…Cole and Natalie loved their yummy yummies.” I know that moms who formula feed have a strong bond, but I’m SO FREAKING SAD to not have that. Heck…I’m breastfeeding now and don’t have that bond since its so hard.
To top it all off…I’m not able to enjoy my sweet baby girl. I just want this stress to go away so I can stare at her and be happy and love on her. Why does it have to be so hard???????
I’m not giving up until I try the nipple shield…but chances are I will be feeding her breast milk bottles and formula. SIGH…